You can never get enough of something you don't really want

My father loved german chocolate cake! I don't know if he had it the rest of the year, but it was a tradition for his birthday. For me it was cherry pie - my mom's cherry pie - and she made it for my birthday and (if I was lucky) Thanksgiving and Christmas too.

As much as my father loved that cake, I don't think he gave it much thought throughout the rest of the year. Unfortunately, I do think of cherry pie (and other sweets) at least a few times a day. I plan my driving route to work to swing past a Tim Horton's for a chocolate chip muffin, stop by Panera for a oatmeal cookie or grab a package of Pop-Tarts on my break at work.

The thing about all those sweets is how often they are just sort of "meh". They're not bad, but they're just not particularly good either. So the question becomes why do I continue to seek out things that I don't really enjoy?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Dr. Freud (that's not really her name, but you get the idea of who she is) said in a recent session that after a person who binge eats for years can become deaf to their own tastes and preferences. The proof of that can be seen as I frequently roam the aisles of grocery stores searching for something for dinner. I can be dead hungry with money in my pocket but no idea what I really want. It's hugely frustrating and in the past I have turned to things that either DH likes or the easiest thing I can think of.

Dr. Freud also talks about how my eating is a distraction from things that I find difficult to deal with. The part of my personality that feeds me all that extra food is trying to soothe a different part that has become activated and threatens my psyche. The result to all this eating is unwanted weight but I am saved from facing my own discomfort. It can seem pretty messed up, but these are coping mechanisms that I developed as a child and what seems illogical as an adult can make perfect sense to a kid.

The theory is that when I can face my own discomfort - deal with whatever emotion that comes up - there will not be the need for the distraction of all this food. I've been working on it for over a year and I'm making progress but there is a part of my brain that really wants to speed this process up. Tomorrow works for me.